I Am Proud to Lead You Men to the
Nearest Off-Ramp

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“At ease, men.

As your battalion commanders and
General Axelrod have already briefed
you, you embark today on an important
mission to the Af-Pak Theater. The
success of this mission will not only
insure the future of democracy and
human civilization, but also my Gallup
net favorable index. I have every
confidence that you will succeed in this
great educational field trip, because you
represent the finest right-sized,
nonviolent time killing force ever
assembled.

Arrayed behind me are the mighty
Minivans of Democracy that you will
soon be loading. These are America’s
great 5-star crash rating arsenal of
multilateral understanding. And as your
supreme commander-in-chief, it is my
great honor, privilege, and turn to serve
as your pool driver, because Michelle
has her Pilates class this afternoon. Now,
as our rendezvous with destiny
approaches, let me say that I am every
bit as proud of you fine young soldiers
and Marines as I am when I take Malia
and Sasha to gymnastics. Okay, let’s all
pair up with a buddy and line up double
file for the vans.
*
*
While everyone is buckling their safety
belts, I would like to take a few minutes
to adjust the rear view mirror and
remind you why you are going on this
mission. As I have allegedly always said,
Afghanistan is war of necessity. But as
your supreme commander, I know that
in planning wars and field trips we must
never act rashly. Remember when Mr.
Bush had that flat tire at Camp Iraq?
That is why I solicited the advice of my
top field commanders. I asked General
McChrystal what he needed from me to
show 110% commitment to mission
success. He told me 40,000 battle ready
troops.

By the way, who needs hand sanitizer?
Anybody? “

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