Mr O’Rourke starts with the leading democratic contenders …
” Senator Elizabeth Warren
- Native American ancestry — a fund-raising plus if she gets her own casino.
- Warren is an expert in bankruptcy law, giving her a vision for our nation’s future.
- As a minority, woman, and politician who chased Scott Brown into New Hampshire (showing buff chauvinist Republicans where to stick their glutes), Warren is a triple threat.
- She masterminded the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, making Americans feel so financially protected. (US consumer spending rose .4 percent in June!)
- And she turned left — the only direction GPS units give in the hybrid cars that vegan aroma therapist Democratic primary voters drive.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
- Hillary retains her iron grip on second place.
- Whoever’s out in front of her is so far out front we don’t know who it is. (At this point in 2006, the current president was as likely to be nominated as a small-time community organizing junior Senator from Illinois with a name like somebody who tried to blow up an airplane with an underpants bomb.)
- Hillary carries more baggage than the Boeing she used as secretary of state, visiting every country that later blew up or fell to pieces in her quest to fulfill the secretary of state’s mission, which is to accumulate frequent flier miles.
- On the upside, she’s familiar with the White House — knows where the extra toilet paper is stored and where the spare key to the nuke attack briefcase is hidden (Truman Balcony, second pillar from the right).
- And there’s no threat of Bill campaigning for her. The ex-First Lady has improved her aim with candy dishes and table lamps.
Vice President Joe Biden
- Joe on Barack Obama: “You got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”
- Joe on diversity: “In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”
- Joe expressing his faith in Obamacare: “I’m told Chuck Graham, state senator, is here. Stand up Chuck, let ’em see you.” (Former Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham is paraplegic.)
- Joe on Obama’s foreign policy: “Watch, we’re going to have an international crisis.”
- Has anyone ever spoken for the common man like Joe? “
And then moves on to the top Republican candidates …
” Governor Chris Christie
- Christie is back in the GOP primary lead with 2016’s top bumper sticker, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
- Pundits claim Christie won’t play west of the Jersey Shore. These pundits were raised by pot-smoking parents and went to Montessori schools.
- “Sit down and shut up” is how all important family discussions begin and end in the rest of America. America’s “family of voters” applauds this concise statement of foreign and domestic policy goals.
Senator Rand Paul
- Ron Paul gives Rand Paul the common touch, something for Rand to share with all voters. Everybody’s dad is like that, parked in the Barcalounger watching too much Fox News. Rand feels our pain.
- Rand also has libertarian principles such as individual responsibility. I feel I can trust him. That is, I feel I can trust him to keep mum about having principles until after he’s elected and maybe longer.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal
- Who says Republicans aren’t diverse?
- Bobby’s (legal!) immigrant dad is an engineer. His mom studied nuclear physics. To paraphrase Joe Biden, “You cannot go to a university engineering department or a physics department unless you have a slight Indian accent.”
- Governor Jindal is a good guy, intelligent, reasonable. He might partner well with Big Chris.
- Vice President Jindal: “Here is a good, intelligent, and reasonable plan for legislative action.”
- President Christie: “Sit down and shut up.” “