” Maybe you were too focused on the crisis in Syria or Dennis Rodman’s latest diplomatic mission, but as of late in our world of shitty news there has been a throng of stories of people running afoul of absolutely massive piles of butt fudge.
And it is our duty (hey-yo!) as responsible purveyors of sentences on the Internet to keep you informed of such matters. Here’s a bracing squirt of news you will never, ever be able to use. We apologize if you never feel clean again.”
#4. Disgruntled Man Fills Ex-Wife’s Hot Tub With Gallons of Feces
“ Rene Daniel from Montreal had just been served divorce papers by his wife. Instead of trying to settle the matter like an adult or just move on with his life, he came up with a novel cure for his heartbreak: a poop cauldron.
Perhaps Daniel decided that the most adept allegory for his failed marriage was a steaming tub of turds, because the police caught him pouring manure into his wife’s beloved hot tub. And not just a tiny amount, either. We’re talking wheelbarrows full of it. He also left a nice pile for his dear wife right next to the front door. When he realized he had been caught brown-handed, he decided to run from the police. On a tractor. Against all odds, they were somehow able to catch up with the tractor and arrest him.”