HT/ The Right Scoop
” With so many White House scandals—and new ones popping up every day—how are average citizens supposed to keep track? Wouldn’t it be nice if Obama went on ESPN and mapped them all on a bracket?”
Jon Stewart Blasts President: Obama Learns About Scandals by Watching the News?
Jon Stewart Takes CNN To Task With Epic Mockery Of Network’s Jodi Arias Trial Coverage
” Jon Stewart has repeatedly ridiculed and slammed CNN in the past few weeks, most recently on Monday during an interview with Christiane Amanpour. He gave the cable network a brief respite Tuesday night before going right back to hammering them for one particularly odd moment in their otherwise unexciting coverage of the Jodi Arias trial: Ashleigh Banfield doing a satellite interview with Nancy Grace… when the two of them were a few feet away from each other in the same Arizona parking lot.
Stewart explained how Banfield and Grace were set up as if they were in different locations, it’s pretty obvious that the same vehicles are going through both shots. Which meant either they were sitting pretty close to each other or, as Stewart hypothesized, it could be that Arizona is plagued by a “seven-mile long Bus Ness Monster.”
Stewart was amazed by the audacity of CNN making his “pretty shameful” gesture, though he figured it could have been because Banfield has taken out a restraining order against Nancy Grace. They did try to create the illusion of not being so close to each other, and when Grace couldn’t hear Banfield right, Stewart just shouted at her to “take your finger out of your fucking ear because she’s right there!” He asked, “Is anyone at CNN allowed indoors anymore?” “
” The ship is the first of its kind in the U.S. Navy and is a standing legacy to President Barack Obama for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while President.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, ***, and ****** orientation.
The crew is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of America at all costs!
An on – board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the U.S. Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship’s purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defence, but instead in times of conflict, the USS Barack Obama has orders to seek refuge in the military free zone of San Francisco Bay.
The ship may be positioned near the Democrat Party Headquarters for photo – ops.
The Obamas are said to be very proud.”
” One of my favorite Monty Python movies excerpted on the channel is Life of Brian. The film’s stoning scene is actually very instructive for today’s Republican party. In fact, a comment made by the person about to be stoned should be front and center in the mind of every Republican who ever proposes cuts in government spending.
Sounds a little far-fetched, but let me explain.
The scene starts like this: in Jerusalem, 33 AD, a man is brought in front of a crowd holding stones, and a magistrate announces the defendant’s name and the conviction of blasphemy. The sentence will be death by stoning.
The magistrate yells out the charge of “blasphemer,” as the man was caught saying the name of Jehovah, and angrily points at the defendant. The defendant explains that he was merely complimenting his wife’s cooking, saying it was “good enough for Jehovah.” The crowd gasps, ready to start the stoning, and the magistrate yells “he said it again!” The prisoner says “what, Jehovah?” The magistrate shouts “hey, you’re only making it worse for yourself!” To which the man says “how can it get any worse?”
Then he begins dancing and crying out “Jehovah! Jehovah!” to the outraged crowd. But you can’t really blame the guy. If ever he had any inclination to say the name “Jehovah” out loud, he might as well say it now and as many times as he wants. He is about to get stoned to death for saying it anyway. At this point he really has nothing to lose, and it certainly won’t get worse than getting stoned to death.”
Jon Stewart Talks Boston Marathon Explosion ||CNN|| Mocking- The Daily Show -4/17/2013
” WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following on the heels of the establishment of Afghanistan as a gun-free zone, President Barack Obama has taken a bold step in ending the War on Terror by signing an executive order outlawing the Taliban.
“It’s a simple and straightforward approach that’ll solve the insurgency problem overnight,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “Frankly, it’s so profoundly obvious that we’re surprised the previous administration didn’t think of it.”
The order makes it illegal to belong to the Taliban, or to other insurgent groups, such as the Haqqani and the Hezb-e-Islami Gulbuddin terrorist networks, which have partnered with the Taliban in the past. There are stiff penalties attached: Taliban fighters have thirty days to turn themselves in and serve five days’ incarceration, or be fined 50,000 Afghanis (about $10 USD), and must also register as a terror offender.”
Illustration by Michael Ramirez