Tag Archive: The Onion
” “We’ve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and we’ve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims,” said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. “It’s time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough.”
“The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas,” Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. “The answer is fewer gorillas.”
As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.
Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent. ”
While we believe this humor is an attempt at supporting the anti-gun side of the current debate on gun control , we find it ambiguous enough that it could be construed either way . In any event it does point out the ridiculousness of acting on an emotional level when trying to deal with a problem better solved with reason . See what you think .
” Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:
Hurricane Safety Tips
Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
Run through torrents of rain screaming, “I warned you all!” while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
Whatever happens, remember: It’s not your fault ”
* From the “Onion” so you know it’s not for real boys and girls .