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Tag Archive: Onion


FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

 

Islamist Slacker

 

 

 

” Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

  Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America’s increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

“ We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

“ And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way,” he added.”

The Onion has all the details on this nefarious plot

HT/Instapundit

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 Twitter Frustration From The Onion

 

 

” Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontinue his account.

Gartner, whose most avid followers consist mainly of his aunt, his roommate, and an unfamiliar Twitter account from Argentina with the profile photo of an egg, told reporters that he got a sense his time was about up when he decided to live-tweet the Golden Globes and actually lost three followers. At one point last year, Gartner said, he was averaging 900 tweets per follower—a statistic that the sales manager admitted was “pretty much the writing on the wall.” ”